On Waiting

I'm waiting here. Waiting for him to get back, waiting for sleep to overtake me, for an infant cry to drag me to an empty bed to lie awake and stare around at the strangeness of this room we have shared for so long without him.

I wait for the motivation to do the things I said I want to do, but I feel in a sort of limbo, on hold. I'm forgetting things that I need to do.

And I've been wondering how it is that one person absent can make such a mess of me. I've lost track of hours, patterns and routines elude me. Without that door opening in the night to him coming in I have no reason to finish this project just yet. It will keep me company at 2 am when I still can't sleep.

How? How did this happen to independent me, the one who used to go camping in remote places by herself before cell phones.

Why does his brief absence feel like such an emptiness in the fabric of my days this time around?

5 minute Friday is hosted by The Gypsy Mama, you're welcome to play along.

Comments

  1. Isn't it amazing how entwined your life becomes with the one you married. :)
    I realized it just this week, with all we have been going through and all the unknowns with Lloyd's health, and feeling the terror of "what if this is going to kill him?". I just don't know what I would do without my other half.
    I hope he comes home soon so you can feel whole again. :)

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  2. me too! I was Miss Independent before I got married. Now, if my husband is late getting home, I am lost by myself! Well said!

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  3. oh, i know this. that emptiness is magnified, i think, in the neediness of the tiny ones. so overwhelming when dad's away and we cannot tag out or have an adult conversation.

    may rest and peace and two-in-one reconnection come soon. grace, mama.

    so painful, and lovely still.

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  4. "I wait for the motivation to do the things I said I want to do, but I feel in a sort of limbo, on hold. I'm forgetting things that I need to do." This is me right now! I know how hard that absence can be. "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Gen 2:18

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  5. me too! I was Miss Independent before I got married. Now, if my husband is late getting home, I am lost by myself! Well said!

    ReplyDelete

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