I’m having a moment

Sometimes it feels like this weight that presses down. Worry.

The turmoil in Thailand.

Isreal and Hamas.

Oil spills.



28 days to find a new home now that we’ve given notice.

Will we be able to raise enough to buy the orphanage a truck?

So much work.

I get lost. I’m overwhelmed. My heart, it doesn’t know how to deal with these things or even talk about most of them.  And the weight, like a lead ball sinks deep into my chest and buries me beneath it for a time.

I am bad at transitions. Amid the uncertainty of knowing it’s good to move, I grieve. We need more space. We need to be closer to where Aaron works so he can actually be home before bedtime most days. We need to be somewhere where the boy is no longer sharing a room with his sisters and has space to play with lego again. But I will miss here. I will miss the friends, the green wide open play spaces, that there is almost always a child/friend for mine to play with. I will miss the familiar easy way we have fallen into with neighbors and community.

These are all names I am giving to these tears that seems to roll without ceasing today. Though I don’t know for sure that any of them are the real source. (Hormones?)

There is so much good, I know there is.

But the tears roll anyway, and I struggle to understand them.

all content © Carrien Blue

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