Catching Up

We spent an almost idyllic weekend at the inlaws. It was actually a welcome relief from our place which is strange because when I am pregnant I usually want to stay in a hole and go nowhere. But I’m out of groceries and my fridge has this weird smell that I haven’t been able to get rid of even though I’ve cleaned it twice. And the European style butter on the counter that my husband bought I can actually smell and it makes me sick every time. Oh yeah, and that summer garbage smell when the wind stops blowing that hangs over everything and reminds me of why we WON’T be buying a house in this otherwise okay neighborhood. Let’s just say I was glad to leave. I spent way more time just hanging out with and talking to my little brothers and sisters in-law than I have in a long time and remembered why I like them so much. We were also on hand to say goodbye to the oldest sister in law, she’s 17, before she went to the airport for a month and a half in Thailand, staying with a brother and helping out at an orphanage, and helping him get ready for his wedding.

I have such longing in me when I look at this girl for a chance to redo my life a little bit. I tell myself that I was never raised by people who knew how to empower me and help me to do the things I dreamed, or maybe my pessimism kept me from believing them. But who did I learn the pessimism from? I tell myself that I should be thankful that I finally learned how to choose my life instead of let it happen to me before I turned 30, but this girl is 17 and she knows it already. She’s beautiful, talented, confident, smart, and she’s not afraid to make choices and live her life. I’m not a bit jealous. But I find myself a little bit sad for what could have been, however silly that is to indulge in.

I need to learn how to give that kind of gift to my kids. It’s not natural for me, so I hope I can learn how to do whatever it is that my inlaws have done before it’s too late. I don’t want to pass on scaredness, smallness, or pessimism to my children.

No I have not yet figured out HTML, but I may find time tomorrow. Thanks to everyone that has helped.

all content © Carrien Blue

2 thoughts on “Catching Up

  1. Totaly what I am going through with the longing to have believed in yourself when you were younger. I now realise what a thirst I have to learn, and develope skills I’ve never realised I could have. I’m contimplating going back to college but don’t know if it’s more selfishness than anything. But I totaly understand what you mean.

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