This evening I received a letter that caused a rock to form in the pit of my stomach, a knot in my throat and I am entertaining an almost lethal amount of guilt that is bouncing around my brain. My application for a green card has been denied, due to my error in returning paper work late. It’s an error that I have several very good excuses for, but I don’t know that the US gov’t will be accepting them. In 30 days they will begin removal proceedings, meaning sending me packing back to Canada unless I can convince them to get the paperwork ball rolling again. I talk to an immigration lawyer tomorrow, the GH is on a long walk somewhere to blow off steam…but that’s not what I want to remember from today.
I want to remember the Girl running around in an orange cotton tie-dyed dress with braids in her hair playing with her friends. I want to remember her swimming at the pool and then putting on the towel poncho I just made for her with a ducky hood from her favorite old ratty baby towel sewn in and sitting next to me on a deck chair in the sun.
I want to remember the boy as he generously shared his scooter with two other boys, and the look on his face as he wobbled around on his roller blades for the first time by himself. I want to remember how proud he that he wasn’t falling down.
I want to remember the way two little boys rang our door bell during dinner and gave the girl a yellow flower that they picked from the bushes nearby, her first of probably many admirers. She took that little flower to bed. At 3 she understands how special this little gesture is. I want to remember her walking around with a yellow block in one hand and the flower in the other and pretending that she was painting with it.
I want to remember the joy and laughter and freedom that was in my children today however horribly it ended. I want to hold those images closest to me and let the rest drift away and remember that life goes on in spite of our mistakes.