Little things

There’s the return of a monthly cycle, and the sight of blood again for the first time since I miscarried Shiloh.

There’s the wonderful joyful news that my little sister just gave birth to a baby girl, at home in her birthing pool.

There’s the hard hard wall of a husband who still thinks, as I would agree if I were rational, that trying on purpose to get pregnant this year is foolish. Not forever, just for right now. But oh how I want to. I had hoped…

There are the insurance papers I keep putting off filling out.

There are hormones, and exhaustion.

There are the little reminders every where. “Your baby is gone,” they shout. “No tiny bodies and downy soft heads in your immediate future.”

And I start to sink into self pity, in addition to the sadness.

I’ve been trying to stay on top of this. I exercise every day, eat properly, don’t get adequate sleep however, and these past 4 days have been too much for me. My eyes leak tears constantly as I go through the motions of keeping family and house in order.

I don’t know how to heal from this part, this part of longing for a child I will never get to hold. My heart has been opened, and now lies empty, stumbling along, trying to figure out what to do now.

There are blessings all around me. And I’m not oblivious to them. I have laughed, I have enjoyed my children, my life. But that doesn’t mean the tears won’t fall again seconds later.

Today my MIL has my children. Today I slept for more than 3 hours in the middle of the day.

I know it will get better eventually. Time will do it’s work, the pain will be less fresh. But for just today, I’m simply stumbling through.

all content © Carrien Blue

10 thoughts on “Little things

  1. I don't know what to say except again, I am sorry for what you are going through. And I am glad you are allowing yourself to grieve as needed, and sleep when needed, and write it all out to process when needed….
    And I must confess in a way I am glad it is bringing back all of the emotions of my little angel up in heaven. Not that my baby is ever far from my immediate thoughts, but it's good to feel that pain a bit more raw now and then, and remember like it was yesterday.

  2. keep stumbling through and don't apologize for it. this loss is in my experience more difficult to bear than a typical untimely death. There is the loss of all the potential and hope and what might be to be grieved. It is sad, and it is hard, and even though you know life will go on it is still almost impossibly hard and sad. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it is awful to lose a child.

  3. No Carrien, it never goes away….but the pain does lessen, you will get thru the day without your heart physically hurting and you are able to focus on things again and have energy to be a mom and a wife again.

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