Aw crap

I gained a lot of weight during my very brief pregnancy with Shiloh, and since then, rather than lose it I may have gained a little bit more. I don’t like it. It’s hard to go through my closet and only have 3 or 4 tops that fit and one pair of pants. I’m not that fond of looking in the mirror right now either. But it’s not an all consuming thought for me.

I know what needs to be done. I need to not have that second portion after I’m no longer hungry. I need to stop having an extra piece of dessert. I need to be more mindful and snack less.

A few days ago the GH, for the first time in the several months that this has been going, on said something. Very gently he asked if there was anything he could do to help me. So I told him a few ways that I thought he could help. After that I thought of other things. Just as I was drifting to sleep it occurred to me to pray about it so I murmured a prayer for help to be aware and disciplined the next day.

The next day started out fine. It was a very good day in fact. Just after lunch I laid Little’s sleeping body down for a nap and knelt, as I often do, at the piano bench to pray. (It doubles as a prayer bench for me since we have no space.) Two slow breaths to quiet myself and suddenly I was weeping. Silent long wracking sobs that came out of no where and for no apparent reason. Why was I crying?

A friend’s twin sister died last week. She was my friend too. Maybe it was that? But it wasn’t.

I asked similar questions, all the while sobbing, until I wondered if it was about Shiloh again. And then, welling up out of some hidden place inside of me came this thought, “I don’t want to be my normal weight again! I don’t want to look like I did before I was pregnant! I don’t want to look like it never happened! I should be pregnant right now, not trying to lose weight. I should be getting ready for a baby to arrive.”

(I had to stop 4 times while typing that last paragraph to just cry. I’m still crying.)

I know that this is irrational. Being fat will not bring my baby back. It will only make me unhealthy and tired all the time. I don’t want to not do things with my kids just because I’m not strong enough any more. But this is how I feel, though I didn’t know it until now.

Every time since that I have knelt at that bench the sobbing has overtaken me once more and I am overwhelmed. It’s like praying about it opens a door that I have been holding shut until now. I have to believe that the crying is healing something. I have to believe that there is a way through to the other side of this pain.

But I have no idea what to do past that. I have no choice but to see it through.

all content © Carrien Blue

9 thoughts on “Aw crap

  1. The tears ARE a way of healing. And once I read what you "realized", it made total sense. If you were pregnant, worrying about your weight wouldn't be an issue – and since you lost Shiloh, subconsciously, you're doing what you would have been doing…
    And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I think it's just YOUR way of dealing with a horrible loss.
    So let the tears keep coming, as long as they feel necessary. Hopefully the time comes soon where you can kneel to pray, and instead feel peace.
    Don't beat yourself up for what is nothing more than a natural process of grieving.
    If the weight bothers you (because of the reasons you gave in the end), then just focus on making healthier choices… not for the weight loss, but for strength, endurance, and energy.
    Just know that you're going through this in the only way you know how – and no matter what anyone thinks, this is the right way for YOU.

  2. Not irrational, not at all. It is grief. Your grief, let it come and eventually it will go. Hopefully so will the weight but that isn't what this is about. You know how to look after yourself physically but right now I would say you need to look after yourself mentally. One thing at a time. There is only so much a person, even a strong person can do and you are bringing up 3 charming little ones in a good way and that is hard, you are supporting your GH and a charity, how much do you think you can handle. Dealing with grief is so hard and we all handle it differently.

    You have so much to be proud of and feel thankful for, so let yourself have more time to work through all the bad feelings that grief throws at you. I know you are thankful, you write about it often, I know you are dealing with it and each realisation is a step in the right direction, a step back to a new you, not the old you because she is in the past.

    Hmmm not sure if this helps at all, reading it back, but I mean it well



  3. ive been lurking on your blog for a bit now, and i just had to comment. I had a miscarriage last summer and so very often you capture perfectly my thoughts and feelings. However, when i was 16 i got pregnant through sexual assault and gave my son up for adoption. i gained 80 lbs with that pregnancy, and still havent lost it. I went through several years of feeling like it was the only connection i had left to him, and being afraid that if i lost the weight i would somehow be loosing him again, or the only little peice of him i had. He is 8 now. Im just now starting to fall out of that ( i had other things to deal with, and didnt take it to the Lord until very recently) I encourage you to cry it out. And do what you need to do. He will be your strength, your guide.

  4. Logic and rational thinking have nothing to do with it. We are not meant to outlive our children. Cry until you can cry no more. And keep turning it over to God. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Take care,
    Carrie 🙂

  5. Just go with it. You are still healing. Give yourself the freedom to do so. Weight comes and goes (believe you me). In the meantime be good to yourself.

  6. I read this yesterday afternoon and have spent all day and night trying to figure out a decent reply.

    I'm not likely to have any insight, but wanted you to know how much I would love to be able to say just the perfect thing to have this part of your worries just come together and make sense.

    Losing a child is something you mourn about differently as time goes on, but I know a woman who lost a child fifty years ago and, believe me, she still mourns. She is all right, and she is a wonderful person, and she has a fabulous life that she has peace and joy from. But you are allowed to mourn for as long as you are in this life.

    As for the weight, things change when you have children. Each time, your body knows that you now have a different goal. You are a mother, you must endure. You have to make it through the winters. You have to have reserves because other bodies depend on you. It changes how your body processes need and nutrition. Your body now knows that you have had four children, and it is behaving appropriately. Now if, in this creepy consumer processed food world of ours, your body's need to conserve meets with an unhealhty environment and that makes you fatter than you want to be, it makes sense for you to take an approach that will help your body stay strong and "stocked up" without getting soft and weak. But while discipline is likely part of the picture, I don't think discipline will get you where you want to go if you don't look at the whole picture, you are a mother of four and your body wants you to make it through the winter.

    (Also, don't disregard the total hormone soup that happens during these times, just physically, I thought I'd been hit by a truck, your body has to recover from that).

    I guess what I'm trying to say is what you already know, is that you're allowed to cry and you're allowed to give your body and your heart time to catch up. I am guessing that if you find yourself in a mire you don't want to be in (unable to "let go of your pregnant self", something like that) you will recognize that in yourself. I think you can give yourself some space, I think what you could tell your husband he could do to help is give you a little time? We've all got expectations these days that everything can be done on a tight schedule. . .

    Of course, if I'm totally off base, disregard all the advise and please just take my sympathy.

  7. This was such a help to me. I lost a baby at 12 weeks in March and I have found myself similarly unmotivated to lose weight and yes, gaining more. I cried when I read your words and realized that I was feeling the same way. Thanks so much for sharing your struggle. Blessings to you in this healing process.

Comments are closed.