Every so often someone asks me if I’m excited about the baby, or gets excited for me and asks related questions and it leads to some awkwardness in my head. It’s not that simple this time. For one thing I just have no time to be pregnant. This baby is […]
Read Moremiscarriage
Remembering Shiloh-God’s Gift
Every so often when we visit Aaron’s parent’s house my MIL will call me toward the front to see what she’s done with Shiloh’s resting place now. It’s been a gardening challenge for her, to see what will grow there, and she’s changed out plants multiple times. I’m so grateful […]
Read MoreGrief
Sometimes grief sits on your chest wraps it’s arms about your faceand squeezes until you feel deflatedheavyhalf dead and to do anything,any thing at all,is just hard. You sitand thinkand rememberand the tears press hard behind every smileand every commonplace exchange. But worst of allis when you feel alone. Worst […]
Read MoreThis time I will give thanks
The baby socks given to me the day of Jellybean’s ultrasound. It’s amazing how quickly I forget. Less than 9 months ago I wept in the shower, so no one could hear me, and I told the baby in my belly that I loved him, even though I was sure […]
Read MoreI wasn’t ready for this
I expected that a pregnancy following a miscarriage would be a bit different; a little less blithe optimism, a little more caution in the first 3 months with words, and feelings. What I wasn’t ready for was lying in bed at the end of a good day, a day that […]
Read MoreI said I wouldn’t write about grief this month, I changed my mind.
I wake to the regular morning sounds of chatter and clinking at my MIL’s house. “The spare room is way too close to the kitchen,” I think to myself, for the 567th time. Little sleeps on my shoulder and I am pinned to the bed, plotting how to escape without […]
Read MoreAw crap
I gained a lot of weight during my very brief pregnancy with Shiloh, and since then, rather than lose it I may have gained a little bit more. I don’t like it. It’s hard to go through my closet and only have 3 or 4 tops that fit and one […]
Read MoreDilemma
I don’t know what to do with it. For some reason I didn’t throw it away. Normally I do. Somehow I felt the need to keep it around. It didn’t feel quite real that I was pregnant again. Maybe. Whatever the reason, I still have it. It rattles from one […]
Read MoreLife, Persistent, Persistent Life
I used to resent it when I was younger. This way life has of carrying on in spite of things. I took it then as a sign of how little anyone else cared about my suffering, all the teenage weight of angst that I bore, and I hated it. I […]
Read MoreThis is probably a mistake
Don’t write it. It’s too horrific. What do I do with it then? What do I do? I didn’t know what to do. You should have left it there. Let them send it to pathology. Then there would be nothing to tell. But I would know. I couldn’t forget. I […]
Read More