I wasn’t ready for this

I expected that a pregnancy following a miscarriage would be a bit different; a little less blithe optimism, a little more caution in the first 3 months with words, and feelings.

What I wasn’t ready for was lying in bed at the end of a good day, a day that feels more normal than pregnant, and wondering if it’s because my child is dead. I didn’t expect to cling to every whiff of nausea and heartburn as a sign of hope.

I wasn’t ready for those conversations where people ask me how I’m feeling. I’m hesitate to say, “I feel pretty good right now.” I know they will say, “That’s great.”

Is it great? I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s a sign something is wrong.

Really, I’m not ready for this baby to die.

I beg it to live. I plead, “Let it live.”

Yet there is nothing I can do but go through the days as normally as possible, and wait impatiently until the 12 week mark to listen for a heartbeat, to know for sure.

Two more weeks. How will I ever make it?

all content © Carrien Blue

8 thoughts on “I wasn’t ready for this

  1. I think what you are going through sounds normal, from what I've read from other women. I am not there yet. . . (but please, God!!) I think, for myself, I will (please God!!) keep blogging/ writing/ reaching out to others, lots of praying. Lots of crying. I'm praying for you right now.

  2. Oh I so feel for you- I am sorry for what you are going through.
    For me, pregnancy after my loss was difficult too. Constantly wondering, and fearing at times, and making the pain of my loss open up and be brand new and fresh all over again.
    Strength and blessings to you!

  3. I think pregnancy and parenting, more than anything else, convince me that He is God and I am not. With our many miscarriages and three kids here on earth, I learned that God decides when I will get pregnant (often taking forever when I wanted to be, and surprising me when I hadn't planned on it), God decides whether or not I will stay pregnant or miscarry (had lots of those – oh, and bled with the first two pregnancies – so that was challenging to hold onto hope), God decides when baby will be born (I remember begging God to let Campbell be born early so that I could spend time with my father who was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 8 months pregnant), and God decides whether the child will live or die after they are born (I never even considered after making it 9 months with Jordan in utero that he would nearly die during childbirth. And following that we had bouts with cranial synosotis and asthma that were life threatening). Really, I think until I became a parent that I thought that I was in charge – HA!
    But the good news is that God is Good. Always. He works everything together for good. It is not an easy ride – but God will hold you through it. If you get through the first 12 weeks, there may be something else that comes up. Hold onto Him. He will not leave you.

  4. I had a miscarriage in my first pregnancy that probably occurred the same day I took the home test, though I didn't find out until five days later, and the worst thing about it, I think, is the way it robbed me of that bliss I felt for five days during that first pregnancy and then never again. Even when I got pregnant with Pie, I was ambivalent about getting pregnant so quickly right up until the moment I saw the line on the stick and then my ambivalence changed, immediately, into raw fear for the life of that baby. I found it helpful to pray each day for the baby to reach its full potential, whatever God knows that to be and however God chooses to bring that about.

  5. You'll make it one day at a time, with prayer and hope. Lots of women feel really good in the early days, with no nausea, and have smooth pregnancies and healthy babies. Have faith 🙂

    And know that you're not alone. You have countless others praying for and with you.

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