Flitting from one thing to the next

I’m missing Aaron really badly this week. I haven’t talked to anyone older than 9 in…more than 24 hours. Hurried phone conversations about money transfers don’t count. (I am a total wuss. I have a friend who gave birth to her 3rd child while her husband was in the middle of a 13 month deployment to Iraq. He’s been on 2 year long deployments! I have nothing to complain about, really.)

I can feel the unraveling going on, the struggle to remember what I need to do next. There are so many next steps I can’t decide on which of them to begin, so I stare. Aaron is really good for me in that respect, he helps me sift the details I find overwhelming until I can find a beginning place, a simple place, and can go from there. I am in full on hovering mode, flitting from one thing to the next, totally aimless, distracted from all of it.

The irony is that I know I just need to begin, but I find that part the most difficult and there was the part that got swallowed by the phone and internet being down. I have to wait at least 2 days for the new modem to ship and I lost hours talking to tech service guys while the kids tug at me asking question after question that I don’t have the space in my brain to form answers too.

If I saw you at church yesterday and talked your ear off I apologize, it’s been a while for me, and I still have just under 3 weeks to go. I’m typing madly trying to get a post up while the unprotected internet from a neighbor is still working, the sprinklers make their nightly dance and before the children wake up for their endless game of keeping mommy from ever completing a full sleep cycle.

Little just half woke, yelling incoherently sitting on the edge of the bed. she needed to pee very badly and when I tried to change the underwear she’d not quite pulled down in time she started screaming. Then she tried to wander the bathroom in sleepy circles until she slammed her forehead into the shower wall and I picked her up and carried her to bed. She cried loudly the whole time until she fell asleep again.

Miraculously, Bam Bam slept through that.

Last night I forgot to check to see if she needed to pee when I lay down next to her to get her back to sleep. Which means of course that just after I awoke, hand elbow and neck stiff and sore from the awkward angles and carefully climbed into my own bed, slowly, so as not to wake the baby, she woke again yelling.

She wakes over and over again until I finally am too tired to object or, often, to hear when she climbs into bed next to me, slowly, so as not to wake me or the baby, and I wake with her feet in my back.

Tomorrow we go for an outing with a friend. I shall probably talk her ear off. If I can stay awake long enough that is.

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