For my daddy

Happy Birthday.

Thank-you for always being a good dad to me, even when I couldn’t see it, and didn’t thank-you.

Thanks for not being in a hurry when I you were tucking me in at night when I was little, and taking the time to talk and answer all of my questions.

Thanks for the swinging rides on your arm, even when I was really too big and it almost broke you to do it, but you did it anyway.

When mom and you split up I was so angry, and I blamed you. I directed all of my hurt and anger and confusion in your direction and happily believed the worst of you, in every possible instance.

Oh the fights we had. The yelling, and crying, {mine}, and the red faced barely repressed fury, {yours}, as we both said things that really hurt each other.

But through all that you still did your best to be a dad to me. You came to all my concerts, and praised all my accomplishments. You offered advice where you could, though I spurned much of it, and you were there. In spite of it all, you were there.

You drove me and all my stuff to university the day I left. You wrote a check for my first months rent without even blinking, because I hadn’t even thought about that detail yet.

You drove AJ and me all the way to Washington because I won free concert tickets, even though we both bickered with you and yelled much of the way.

You were a place to stay in the in between times, when didn’t have any other place to be.

You drove me on a crazy 12 hour trip so I could meet Aaron’s plane when he came back from India, because he was so sick, and I was so afraid he wouldn’t be able to come and see me before going straight home to see a doctor. We weren’t even engaged yet. And then you drove all through the night to get back home again so I wouldn’t miss work.

I can’t remember how many times you drove out with your van to help us move our first few years of marriage, spending all your visiting time loading up furniture dropping it off again, and helping me clean up after.

Then you helped us move all the way to California, and drive down to visit almost annually after that. We had a fight one of those times, and I said things I regret, but you came back the next year anyway. You are a really great grand-dad to my kids, and they really love you.

For years I wasn’t able to see all the ways that you have been a good dad to me. I had so many filters of anger and hurt and couldn’t see past those to what was really there.

I’m glad I’ve grown up enough to be able to finally recognize the good, and to focus on it. You said I would understand once I became a parent, and you are right, I do. I can now see that you were only human, and you did the best you could with what you had. You gave me your best, even when I spurned it, and you have continued to give.

I have often questioned your judgment, in the way you continue to open your home to all those guys straight out of jail and rehab, with their many addictions and problems, and the way you keep letting them come back when they need to after trying it on their own in the big bad world and falling on their face again. I don’t think I would have the patience, or the capacity to forgive that many lies, and that much money owed and that many cons attempted as you do. But I’ve realized that if you didn’t have that capacity I don’t know where you and I would be today, because you dealt with a lot of crap from me, and still gave, when I really didn’t deserve it.

So thank-you dad, for all you have done, and continue to do. I’m sorry it took me so long to see how blessed I am to have you for a dad.

So today I’m saying Happy Birthday, but more than that, I’m thanking God for giving me you for a father. You have truly been a blessing to me.

I love you. Happy Birthday.

all content © Carrien Blue

4 thoughts on “For my daddy

  1. So good Carrien, so good to read of revelation and reconciliation. It brings tears to my eyes every time. May our Father bless you and your Dad's relationship over and over and over again.

    Aunt Carol

  2. I have known your Dad as long as I have known you. I was so often at your house and grew up there too. I also saw the fights, heard the words, even believed some of it at times too. I am so proud of Carrien to see you write this. A realization and forgiveness that was a long time coming!

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